I grew up trying to be invisible so I wouldn’t get in trouble. There was a lot of yelling in my house, mostly by my parents. There wasn't much affection or eye contact. No one looked at my report cards, asked about school, my daily activities or even how I was doing. I was scared and lonely most of the time. I was, in fact, utterly invisible.
For years I suffered from anxiety. I was unable to be vulnerable or let people close to me. I was terrified of letting people see me because I thought I was a loser. A big fat loser. When you grow up in the environment I did, you feel like a loser. Anyone, who was in my family will admit the same thing...if they could only be vulnerable enough...
But, here’s the ridiculously epic twist! I’m not a loser. Not even close. No matter how unbearable that life was and the feeling it gave me, I always knew I would claw my way out. I knew I didn’t belong and I knew I would find my path. I knew, it and I believed it. That belief got me far away from that upbringing and into an amazing life.
When I look at my kids' lives, the what I have created for them, it is so drastically different. Different in so many good ways! They feel safe, loved, hopeful, happy. And you know what else, I feel safe, loved, hopeful and happy right along with them.
I’ve hit many roadblocks and let the wrong people in my life. People who saw that little girl inside me, who wanted to be seen and heard. People who tried to manipulate me, gossip about me, control me, and destroy my spirit. Because they did see that scared little girl, but they also saw a bright light. This person who was always smiling, optimistic, and loving. The person who never gives up on herself...NO MATTER WHAT!
My spirit is unsquashable! Yeah, I don’t even know if that’s an actual word, but it’s my blog, so I can write whatever I want.
When you see me happy, smiling, busting my ass at the beach with my girls, schlepping my granola all over town, playing with my children, or laughing my head off with my girlfriends, just remember I wasn’t given this happiness. I wasn’t given anything in fact. I’ve made it all through free will and a strong belief in myself.
When you think ‘I can’t’, please let me reassure you that YOU CAN! You are more powerful and amazing than you could ever grasp.So go be amazing!! Be a badass!!!